Adulting and friendship: the Struggle is real
Navigating the landscape of adult friendships can be a complex journey influenced by a variety of factors. The hectic pace of modern life, dominated by demanding jobs, familial responsibilities, and a host of commitments, often leaves little room for meaningful social interactions. In the past, the "bubble" or structure that traditional educational systems provided created ample opportunities to connect with peers who occupied familiar roles and adhered to similar schedules.
In adulthood, roles, schedules, and to-do’s greatly vary, leaving us with the task of structuring our social efforts and taking different risks to place ourselves in environments that may result in a connection or two. For those grappling with social anxiety or shyness, the fear of judgment and rejection becomes a formidable barrier, making the initiation of conversations or active participation in social activities a daunting task.
Therefore, the reliance on social media or interactions through our devices has fueled the unfortunate facade that we are connected. The allure of online interactions may overshadow the effort needed for face-to-face relationships. Low self-esteem emerges as a formidable obstacle, as individuals may grapple with doubts about their worthiness of forming and maintaining friendships, leading to hesitancy in reaching out. In reality, though, it leads to loneliness and a dangerous level of comfortability that can impact the motivation to get out and about and try new things, avoiding risks and ignoring the adventurous urges to challenge yourself and expand social circles and experiences.
Constant change, whether it’s relocating for a job or undergoing significant personal events, can disrupt established social circles, leaving individuals with the challenge of creating new connections as they heal and adjust. The momentum and trust that are involved in nurturing healthy relationships might be constantly disrupted, resulting in resentment and convincing yourself that you don’t need anyone and can go it alone. We are wired for connection, and this mindset can leave us with false narratives and perpetuate negativity and disconnect with events, experiences, and purpose.
What about personality traits, codependenttendencies, and unresolved internal issues? Many adults find themselves in relationships that mirror certain dynamics and dependencies simply because the necessary work that follows after an intense, abusive, or stressful relationship ends is often avoided or suppressed. Sometimes the "distraction" route is taken, and the confusion or pain is shadowed by the excitement of a new relationship. More times than not, though, this relationship, too, will exhibit similar patterns and dynamics.
What are some of the key components that can interfere with cultivating healthy relationships?
Low self-esteem: Individuals with low self-esteem may accept unequal treatment in friendships because they feel they don't deserve better or fear losing the friendship if they assert themselves.
Lack of boundaries: A person who struggles to set and enforce boundaries may find themselves in imbalanced friendships. Without clear boundaries, others may take advantage or not recognize the limits of acceptable behavior.
Mismatched expectations: Differences in expectations about the nature of the friendship can lead to imbalances. If one person expects more commitment or investment than the other, it can result in feelings of being taken for granted.
Narcissistic or manipulative behavior: Individuals with narcissistic tendencies may exploit others for their own gain. They may seek out friendships where they can dominate or use the other person for their needs without reciprocating.
Fear of confrontation: Some individuals avoid confrontation at all costs, even if it means tolerating unfair treatment. This fear can lead to a pattern of being taken advantage of without addressing the issue.
Social isolation or desperation for friendship: Someone who feels socially isolated or desperately seeks companionship may be more willing to tolerate imbalanced friendships out of fear of being alone.
Unhealthy relationship patterns: Individuals who have experienced imbalanced relationships in the past, such as in their family or romantic relationships, may inadvertently replicate these patterns in friendships.
Relationships are complex, to say the least. Having several acquaintances is one thing, but many are after deeper levels of connection and intimacy. This, like anything else, takes "reps" and the work involved in understanding your tendencies, behaviors, and insecurities. Creating your own opportunities to meet people can seem overwhelming and intimidating, but pulling from your "resilience bank" and taking a few risks socially could go a long way. Perhaps take a look at what is happening in your local area or reconnect with a part of you that has been dormant for a while.
What interests you? What are you drawn to? What new experience could you try? Fight back against the protectors within that are attempting to keep your world steady, safe, and predictable. You are capable of more and have much more to offer and receive.