Stop taking the bait
In conversations, especially with those we care deeply about, it’s easy to slip into problem-solving mode. You’ve probably heard phrases like “I’m so tired” or “I’m feeling overwhelmed,” and immediately thought, "How can I help fix this?” While this instinct often comes from empathy and a desire to support, it can lead to miscommunication, relational imbalances, and even resentment. This is common in intimate relationships and workplaces, where caretakers or individuals with high emotional intelligence (EQ) often end up taking on responsibilities that weren’t theirs to begin with.
The Bait and the Unspoken Needs:
One of the most common traps in conversations is taking the bait. It looks like this: someone shares a vague discomfort or a question. For those with high levels of empathy or a fierce inner pleaser, these can trigger an automatic reaction, like 'I need to step in and fix this,' even when no direct request has been made. The problem is that, without a clear need or ask, the other person may be expressing a feeling, but not necessarily seeking a solution. This also reinforces a pattern where they rely on others to fill in the gaps, preventing them from practicing clear communication about what they need. When we jump into “solve mode,” we unintentionally rob the other person of their ability to express their needs and take ownership of their feelings.
Why Does This Happen?
There’s an emotional reward in helping others, but we need to be more mindful about when to act and when to hold back. It can feel good to “save the day.” But this can create an unbalanced dynamic. When we jump into action without being asked, we assume responsibility for situations that aren't ours to manage. This is a precursor to burnout, especially in relationships or teams where the burden falls disproportionately on one person.
Resentment and Imbalance in Relationships:
This dynamic can be toxic in personal relationships, such as marriages, where one partner frequently takes on the burden of fixing things while the other remains disengaged or relieved. Over time, this can lead to feelings of being undervalued, even though the other person may be unaware of these emotions. The solution isn’t to do more or stop being a team player, but to seek clarity before taking on unnecessary responsibility.
My Support, Don’t Solve framework helps alleviate this by encouraging individuals to lead with empathy but meet the conversation where it’s at, rather than over-accommodating. It fosters clear communication, where both parties feel respected and empowered. Instead of owning the problem, both partners share responsibility for the dynamic, promoting balance and mutual understanding.
How to Stop Taking the Bait:
Support, Don’t Solve
Instead of jumping to solve, first validate the emotion or discomfort. For example, if someone shares that they are overwhelmed, instead of immediately offering to take on extra tasks, say, “Yes, it has seemed like a busy week for you.” This gives the other person space to clarify their needs.Practice Leaving Gaps
Leave room for the other person to continue the conversation or make a direct ask. Encourage them to express their needs clearly, which empowers them to take ownership of their situation. “What can I do to support you right now?” can often lead to more clarity.Ask for Direct Communication
Gently remind your partner (or coworker) that a vague statement like “I’m stressed” doesn’t always come with a direct request for action. Encourage them to make clear asks, which fosters more open communication and reduces frustration.Set Boundaries on Emotional Labor
Recognize that not every discomfort requires an immediate solution. Sometimes, simply listening and acknowledging someone’s feelings is enough. This sets boundaries that empower others to take responsibility for their own issues without feeling pressured to rely on you.
Validating others' emotions and needs without rushing to solve empowers them, giving them the opportunity to problem-solve and build confidence. This shift fosters healthier, more balanced relationships and reduces resentment. Instead of stepping in to fix things, we create space for clear communication, allowing others to express their needs while protecting our own emotional energy.
Next time someone expresses discomfort, pause, validate, and ask yourself: Do they need me to solve this, or do they just need me to support them?